In my mind, today has been waiting around the corner since the first moment I saw those two pink lines on the pregnancy test.
I remember the first time I went in to see the Doctor- she looked at me with a smile so big I thought she was going to try and give me a high five. "You're definitely pregnant. Congratulations"
My due date would have been today.
I'm a bit of an open book, so many of you probably already know the in's and out's of the story- but I'm here to talk about what really happened. I'm here to share a hurt and a heartache that has transformed every last inch of my life.
But...if anything, I'm here to be a voice for anyone whose felt a hurt like this before. For anyone hurting now, or for anyone who feels like there's no right way to go, and no right road to choose.
I was head over flip flops in love with the first boy I had ever seriously day dreamed about marrying...if you had asked me to take a bullet for him. I would have done it.
I had never known a love like that...
The selfless kind.
I loved him more than I knew what to do with.
But this is less about him, and more about me.
He was a catalyst for all the change, but at the end of the day, I was the one who had to take life's lessons and turn them into love.
When I walked out of the bathroom stall that day, I picked up my phone and called my friend Laura. Before she could even finish saying hello, I blurted out "I'm pregnant. I need you to come get me"
And just as she always does when I need her, Laura showed up without any questions. We got in her jeep and we drove.
I don't remember a whole lot from that afternoon. I just remember Laura telling me that no matter what happened, I was free to follow my own heart, and make my own choice.
The weeks leading up to my pregnancy I had been incredibly sick. I was in and out of the ER, had seen three doctors and was told I had everything from a bladder infection, to minor fibroids. I was on three different antibiotics and after peeing in at lease for cups, I was shocked that no one had figured out I was pregnant before I did.
I called my boyfriend at the time and after a few moments of silence, he knew exactly why I was calling. "You're pregnant" he said. You never know how that moment in your life is going to unfold, but I definitely never imagined it would be so sad and unexciting.
Everything that follows this is pretty fuzzy. The real pain? The real hurt?
Was the two weeks following this day.
When he came over to talk about it. I remember the look on his face. I remember us both crying and shouting at each other.
I remember him saying "I don't want to be the one to say I told you so" .
It was a nightmare. We said so many hurtful things that night-But I know now that we were both doing the best we could.
It wasn't easy, and of course I had wanted that baby.
But not like this. I knew I wasn't ready, and I knew he wasn't ready either. I would lay awake staring at him thinking that he didn't deserve this. I couldn't change his life like this. We had a real chance, and we really loved eachother. We owed it to ourselves to do this the right away.
I called an abortion clinic the next morning
and they told me to come in, in 10 days.
Before you totally freak out,
i'll add this-
it's because of that appointment that I first found my uterine fibroid and was paired with
one of the most amazing specialists in Calgary.
I began to google all kinds of horrible things. I read trauma stories from women who had had abortions. I started bringing it up in conversations, hoping to hear stories from friends who had had their own.
I read articles and polls and made myself sick over the idea. I continued to cry myself to sleep and eventually gave myself nightmares.
The worst part is that I can't even begin to tell you the number of people who suggested to me that I was better off not having the baby.
Everyone offered to take me to the clinic, not many people offered to help me raise it.
On the night before my abortion I went out to the hockey game and had a drink. I was trying to 'own' my decision, and throw on a brave face; but on the morning of my appointment, I woke up and my heart felt like it weight 1000 pounds.
I got to the appointment, filled out the paper work and waited.
Then everything changed.
After just barely passing the counciling portion of my appointment, the doctor came in to speak with me. He passed me a ultrasound photo, and said that unfortunately he couldn't perform the procedure. He said my ultrasound showed I had a five centimetre mass (tumour/fibroid) and that the only way I could have the procedure, would be in a hospital, where they would be equipped to handle anything that could potentially go wrong.
I'm not an idiot.
I don't need a sign any bigger that that.
I asked if I would be okay to have the baby and he gave me a thumbs up, and away I went.
I walked out of there so fast, and knew that I sure as shit would NOT be returning.
This was it, our new reality: he started looking for a house, and I started secretly buying baby things. I read "what to expect when you're expecting" cover to cover and choked down some of the biggest vitaminsI have ever seen. I was excited, terrified and uncertain.
And deep down inside me..there was a fear.
By this point you already know I'm obsessed with googling things I shouldn't.
I googled everything you could ever imagine about miscarriages- and I'm pretty sure I would qualify as An expert at this point.
But looking back now, I wish I hadn't worried so much. I filled my heart with far too much fear back then, and no amount of articles on Google would prepare me for that night when I did have my miscarriage.
If you've read any of my other posts and blogs... you know the ending was far from "happily ever after".
There's no baby, no house, and no future for us anymore. In all honesty, It's been really hard.
I've had to navigate my way through what I believe to be my first real heartbreak. He was there for a part of my life that was pivotal. He saw me at my very worst. He knew me like no one else did.
One thing is for certain. I am so grateful for that miscarriage. I'm grateful that I walked out of that abortion clinic. I'm grateful that when things were scary as fuck, I found what I needed in my heart to be brave. You know why?
Because despite the ending. I've always chosen love. I chose love when I decided not to change his life, and call that clinic, but I also chose love when I decided to keep the baby. I chose love when it was hard and I loved the hell out him in the moments where I was so broken I could barely love myself.
I've never told the whole sorry because honestly, I was ashamed.
For a long time I believed that the universe took that baby from me because it was what I deserved.
Like it was my karma for winding up in that clinic in the first place.
But now I know that's not the case.
The universe was only showing me what I was capable of.
So, here's to everything that I thought I knew.
Here's to everything that works out, and everything that doesn't.
Here's to loving with everything you've got. Especially when it's all you've got.