I can’t tell you how many times I have written it out- and then deleted it.
I guess it was never really the right time- and what’s crazy, is that each time I go to write it out, the story evolves.
More stuff falls apart.
More dust lands.
More things unravel and life just keep happening at it’s own speed whether I can keep up or not.
I had a fear around sharing my story because I didn't want to offend or hurt anyone. That was until I woke up this morning and realized that that was exactly how I had been feeling all along: Hurt.
But I get out of bed anyway, get dressed anyway, and get on with my life anyway.
Everything is a mess right now, but my hope is that somewhere among all of this chaos and all of this mess, is the greatest lessons and the best thing that will ever happen to me. My hope is that all of this is going to somehow, someway propel me forward into something absolutely amazing.Because well, It has to.
I promised you that one day I would tell you everything: So here it is:
Life is a disaster- but you didn’t me to tell you that- because you’ve been there too.
You’ve been in the mess, sat in the clutter and have had to sift your way through the broken pieces.
And so that’s what i’ve been doing. Because right now, its all I know how to do.
It’s called “surviving”
Today is one of those days where I sift and dig and sit in all of it.
In the mess.
In the clutter.
Among the tiny broken pieces.
Wondering what goes where-what fits, and what doesn’t anymore.
Let's rewind a few months:
December 31st. I welcomed the New Year with an open heart and a mind full of big ideas with the person I loved by my side.
There was so much clarity and yet it was all still a giant exciting mystery. I trusted wholeheartedly that the path I was on was the right one, and believed that I had been blessed with so much love and so much opportunity that it was both overwhelming and terrifying.
How could I be THIS happy?
The year got off to a bumpy start but nothing will ever compare to the Thursday morning on January 14th- exactly two weeks into the new year, when I sat in a tiny public bathroom stall staring at one of those sticks that I had most definitely stared at before. Only this time it was different. Because this time this tiny little $20 piece of plastic was telling me that I was going to have a baby.
So- just to be safe, I bought 5 more.
A good cry, a scream, a rant, and $100 later. I knew for certain: I was going to have a tiny little human.
I wish I could tell you that what followed was excitement and magic and celebration, but it wasn’t. What followed was life: a whole lot of life. All at once. Right smack in the face.
What followed were some of the hardest and most difficult days of my entire life. Days spent arguing, questioning, making lists and contemplating. Days where I floated between happiness and sadness, excitement and fear, joy and grief. Long days that turned into even longer nights…and I guess somewhere in the middle of all of this, everything began to fall apart. Along with my “news” and a now rocky and stressful relationship, my doctor informed me that I had a five centimetre ‘mass’ inside my uterus as well. Bonus!
So: I panicked.
I stopped teaching yoga, stopped going to yoga and basically stopped working all together. But day by day I started to plan for my new life, thinking and hoping it was all going to somehow be okay.
New goals. New hopes. New dreams.
A brand new life: just like that everything I had ever wanted in life, was different. Now all I wanted was to be a mother to this tiny person growing inside of me.
Despite what people told me about “waiting until we knew it was a sure thing” I started pinterest boards filled with nursery ideas, told people we were expecting, and walked for hours through department store baby isles buying little slippers and shoes that now just sit at the bottom of my drawer..
But- Life is a disaster, and you don’t need me to tell you that. Because you’ve been there too.
It took awhile to wrap my head around our new future- but once I did. I wrapped my heart around it too.
But fast forward a few weeks to February 19th- after a long wait in the ER and the unsettling news that all we could do was “wait it out and see” I waited.
Despite all of my brand new hopes, dreams, beliefs in the universe and tiny little booties and pinterest boards… Everything changed.
I wish I could say that the loss of my pregnancy was quick. But it was slow, painful and while I wished it would all stop and that it wouldn’t happen, I also cried praying that it would all just end and be over as fast as possible.
Luckily I had things to look forward to, and continued to see the best in the entire situation. Me and the person I loved were still getting a house together, and now we had a chance to really get to know each other and do things in a more “chronological order”.
It was going to be okay. We were going to be okay. I was going to be okay.
My business was finally taking off and there was momentum and there was hope. But life is a disaster, and a mess and full of things we don’t understand, and in the middle of ‘moving forward’ our lives started to unravel and we lost our routines, ourselves and site of the future.
Exactly four weeks later on the day we had planned to move into our new house, on the day we had planned to start over and on the day we had planned to move on. We did exactly that. We moved on.
On that day, the person who was “my person” became a stranger to me on his front lawn when he looked me in the eyes and told me he had decided he didn't want the same things anymore. He needed to move forward: without me.
And I get it: As humans we are destined and designed to grow, and sometimes we grow apart. I loved him so much, I had no choice but to let him go. How could I keep him from finding his happiness? If you love something aren't you supposed to set it free? So I did: and it killed me.
Suddenly it was over. All of it. Suddenly he wasn't my person anymore, and suddenly I found myself sitting on the curb, with nothing but suitcases, a broken lease and a broken heart.
And so I will say this: Life: you got me.
The days that followed were a mix of clarity and confusion. I cried so hard on my yoga mat that there were moments I was sure I was going to suffocate to death. Other days I walked home after work and would just stare up at the sky wondering what on earth I ever did to make life want to rip me apart so badly.
I want to believe that everything happens for a reason, because I have too. Sometimes it doesn't matter how much love you have in your heart, sometimes it’s just not enough. Sometimes your body isn't ready, or the other person isn't ready, or the timing is off and the chaos and the clutter and the mess is just too much to sift through together.
Sometimes the only way to get through the mess, is on your own.
There are no guarantees. No timelines and no promises.
So my friends…
Buy baby booties, tell too many people your good news, get excited, be terrified, laugh, throw things, get angry, cry in yoga, say how you feel, overreact, be alone, be with people, wish and hope for absolutely everything and love the people you love as hard as you possibly can: no matter what might happen.
Do it anyway.
Because life will happen anyway and not a second will pass where you regret loving too much, wanting too much, or hoping for the very best. This is life…right now, and sometimes the ‘in between’ is where we really get to know who we are.
Sometimes the ‘in between’ is where we grow.
I promise you’re not stuck.
I promise this is where the magic and the change happens.
So let it be a mess, and go easy on yourself. It’s okay to slip up, to act crazy or to cry too much from time to time. Let your heart heal and trust that no matter what, time is on your side and you are constantly moving forward. Moment by moment, you’re on the road to peace.