I'm listening to the saddest 90's songs I could find on iTunes.
I'm a little drunk..
and I'm eating goldfish crackers as I cozy into the complete disaster that was once my bedroom, but it's not anymore- because as life would have it..things are shifting and changing once again.
So here I sit- for the fifth time this year, packing and placing my life into a set of boxes. I've grown less attached to my things and each time I do this, I seem to leave more and more of the "clutter" behind.
Too many things have stayed the same- and yet too many things have changed. Maybe that makes no sense..but I can't quite explain it. I can only tell you that it sucks and that sometimes my own life seems slightly foreign to me.
I always love to be constantly pushing forward...to be planning and to be cultivating all kinds of crazy exciting new ideas. But not now- because lately, I'm settling into a place of total uncertainly. Maybe I don't want the same things I used to? Maybe my mind has completely changed?
For the first time I'm not weighing in on the opinions of others, because I know that no matter what: we both feel and want different things for 'me'. Everyone wants to ask, but lately there hasn't been many answers on my end.
All I know is what's right in front of me. Moving. Change.
Everything is just sitting here in boxes- the same way that plans have been sitting in my mind. Untouched- and unorganized. And I have no idea what to do with either.
I don't know how to move forward with my ideas, or if I even want to.
I don't know where these boxes are going to go... In the same way that I don't know where I'm going to live next.
I don't have the urge to get on a boat, or a plane or a bus and run..and in the past that's been my usual method of coping with the uncertainty. It's been my safety and my cure for anything that lacks magic and inspiration. But not this time. This time I just want to stay still..
So for now- I just kind of sit here with a heavy sadness in my heart and the urge to take care of myself without help of anyone.
I have the urge to stay connected and to share but also the urge to explore my struggle silently and figure things out in my own private time. But this is today- and tomorrow it will feel different. It will look different- and everything will BE different.
And the world will keep spinning..and there will be change.